“I’m not quite sure.”
It was my curse. This ridiculous compulsion to accept responsibility for the whole of life.
I thought I had kicked the habit. I thought I had learned to trust and live and breathe. But, like a tickle in the back of a throat, this hacking, coughing condemnation snuck back into my life again; catching me completely off guard.
I found myself reverting back to my instinct to blame myself for random acts of life, and take on more than ever; most of which is completely out of my control. I have felt responsible for my infertility, the economy, growth of our church, failed adoptions, decisions my friends have made, and God’s timing in other people’s lives.
The disturbing development is that I allowed my self-constructed guilt to shadow my relationship with God. I feel him begin to move on my heart and whisper words of direction in my mind, and I immediately wave billboards of why he can’t use a dimwit like me. He calls me to walk forward, and I quickly inform him that I haven’t finished apologizing for the required 7,530,071 times for something I may, or may not, have done. He speaks promises into my spirit, and I decide that obviously he has me mistaken for someone else. He chooses the timing for his purposes, and I blame delays on my faults and failures. He starts to move and groove in my life, and I bind him with excuses and memories. He begins to open doors, and I set out tripwires.
And then it hits me.
Really? Seriously? I have that much fear in my life? How in the ____ did that sneak in?
“This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person’s failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him.”
John 3:13-18 (The Message)
I am quickly learning that my life is complete in God’s tsunami of love for me. He is completely capable of orchestrating events, healing hearts, forgiving poor choices, and providing liberty to myself and those around me. He is in charge. No me. I have the responsibility to follow his leading and make right choices, but he is the one responsible for fulfilling his promises. I do not have to fear his rejection or his disappointment in my ability to perform.
To assume responsibility is to withhold my trust in him and believe that I am more capable than God. To repeatedly apologize for life and throw his purpose for me aside under the guise of helping others, is to tell him that he doesn’t really have a worthwhile plan in mind. My need to maintain control and responsible is ultimately a demonstration of my fear that he will reject me. Like the ridiculous high school wisdom to dump someone before they dump you, I have been creating a self-sabotaging relationship with God.
No more. I’m done with this.
My new motto?
I will accept responsibility for my choices and mistakes. I will ask for forgiveness and cleansing in my life. And, I will move forward.
I will not take responsibility for things out of my control. I will not randomly apologize to fill in a gap of conversation. I will not bail out other people for their bad choices. I will not assume that God hasn’t quite figured out who I am. I will not argue with him about how he should really view me.
I will trust the words he has spoken on my heart. I will accept the promises he has prophesied in my spirit, wild and crazy as they are. I will learn to see myself as he sees me. I will set him loose in my life to completely blow my mind.
I will recklessly dive deep into his fully capable and encompassing love.
And, I will be fearlessly free.